[00:00:00] Hey, guys. Welcome back to How It's Really Going at 50. It's Shana here, and today I have, uh, a topic that's, serious and also something to... that, you know, has been on my mind and something to think about. And it starts with this question is, who are you without the thing? Like, who are you without the career, the people, the money, the status, the accolades?
Like, who are you at your core? And, and I think this is a really powerful question because I think we don't realize how much society really pushes us to attach ourselves to what we do, and maybe we do. To me, I feel like it's something that's just sort of gone unsaid for so many years.
It's like you go to school, you get the job, you get the title, you climb the ladder, you do the things. Nowadays there's more and more people becoming entrepreneurs and starting businesses, which is amazing. I think it's, it is shifting. It's not so [00:01:00] much corporate anymore. But even as an entrepreneur, it's like, you know, what's your status?
What's your income? How many followers do you have? What's your social media game like? , and are you well known? And like all of those kinds of things, so it's just same, same, but different, right? It's like you're still climbing some sort of thing to have some sort of success or accolades to say, like, that means something about you, that means that you're worthy, that means that you're valuable.
This is what I'm getting at here is like, who are you without all of that? And I think that's a really important question to, to spend some time on because, Looking back at my own career as I'm now entering into my second half of my life, I guess you could say, is how much I valued the thing that I did and how much I felt like what I did gave me value.
I was thinking about this in context of people that I know who, you know, they're very, um, successful in their careers, and they are very consumed by that, and they, their whole identity [00:02:00] is wrapped around their title and what they do and, and their, their business and their companies and all that kind of stuff.
What happens if that job disappears tomorrow? And that's, like, a real reality thing we have to all think about because AI is moving at the speed of light. People's jobs are being gobbled up by, things that are now being automated and things through AI. And, I mean, myself included as a website developer, there's a lot of software out there that will develop a website for you with AI, you know, with just a few prompts.
And if you are somebody who has really, got your identity wrapped around your title and that title disappears, how do you move through that? And so that's really what I wanna talk about today because as somebody who has made a bunch of, uh, career transitions in my lifetime, um, I've recognized in hindsight the pattern of jumping from one thing to another that is because partly, yes, interests change, people change, stuff changes, but also [00:03:00] because when you leave something that felt was your life and that was part of your identity and you leave that thing or that thing disappears, you're kind of like grasping as like, "Okay, where, how, where do I, where do I go now?
Like, what's my new identity? I gotta pick something. Let's go." And then you move into something else. And, and at least that is how, when I look back at my experience, that's how it felt. When I started my career, I started as a graphic designer. I worked in a corporate graphic- a corporate, uh, insurance company as a designer.
And even at that point in my 20s, like looking at that, I was like, my goal was to be the art director, have like the corner office and the, become the top of the design team, and I wanted that because I felt like having that made me more valuable, made me...
Sure, there was more money involved and stuff like that, but it was like I would be somebody if I had that role, if I, could get to that place, and that would be like my success factor, right? And then I had a baby, and I went on maternity leave, and then I found network [00:04:00] marketing and then that became my thing.
I never did go back to that graphic design job. And then the goal became I wanted to be at the top of that network marketing company, and I wanted to have a big team, and I wanted to have the title, and I wanted to have the money and the status, and I wanted to, you know, again, because that would make me somebody.
If I was a national vice president, then I would finally arrive and be somebody and be of value, and people would like me and all that bullshit. And, and even though we don't necessarily like say that out loud or even think that in our minds, at the core of it, that's really what we're trying to do, is to validate ourselves by achieving things,
these external things. It's like when I become this, then I will feel happy, or when I become this, then I will look successful. That is the trap of, of the way that we've been, you know, taught in society is you gotta, you gotta be the best and you gotta climb the ladder and you have to have the most, and those are the people who are valuable.
And it's like, but what happens when all of that goes away? What happens when that [00:05:00] disappears? And for me, when I, when I was in network marketing at the top of that and I decided I didn't wanna be in network marketing anymore, my passions changed, my interests changed. I learned things about the industry that I didn't love.
And so I started to become an online coach, , and that happened kind of naturally because I was starting to do some coaching, just because of the network marketing piece, but then it became... I saw this whole world of online coaching, and there were people who were really successful.
There was the Amy Porterfields and all those people. And, and I was like, "Oh, I could do that." And then when I become a, a top coach and I, you know, have the success and I have all the clients and the money and the followers and all the things, then I will be successful, then I will be valuable.
And, and, and that was the game for a long time, and it was like at no point did I ever stop and think that my value was there without the career, without the status, or without the thing. You know, at no point did that ever even cross my mind. It was just always constantly a race to try and get the next milestone, whether it was in, one career or [00:06:00] from one career to another career.
It was just always chasing something. And so from the coaching thing, you know, I did that for a few years and that was hard. Like, that was very hard. And yes, I had some successes, but I also had lots of huge failures in that. And that was a business that I ended up quitting for multiple reasons.
One, because it was a, a roller coaster, and I didn't love that, and I didn't love the ups and downs. I did start learning stuff about the coaching industry. That was also not great, and I didn't wanna be classified in, in that sort of space. And also because, um, at that point, I think I started going through the perimenopause shit.
My hormones started tanking, and my desire for anything and everything kind of tanked. And so I left that business and just quit it because I didn't wanna do it anymore, This was a point where I didn't have the next thing that I wanted to attach my identity to, and I was definitely flailing around for quite a while.
I didn't know what to do, and it was a really kind of felt like a really dark [00:07:00] sort of awkward place in my life where I didn't see my own value. I didn't have something to attach my value to. I was just sort of floating there. I definitely felt that, , fear of not really knowing who I was and what I wanted and seeing my own value. Like I, you know, I had nothing to attach it to, and it felt really kind of scary.
And, and I think- It was good for me because I think that time, you know, when you're sitting there with no real, like, a career or something to do, you have that time to kind of reflect on, who you are and what you do and what you want, even though I didn't really do that then.
'Cause what happened was is I started doing art part-time, like, just as a hobby to help with my mindset and to, to bring some joy into my life at that time, 'cause I was feeling not great, and the art was really great. And what did I do? I tried to turn the art into a business, and I tried to attach myself to being, like, an artist, and I'm hosting these paint nights, and now all of a sudden, here's my value again because now I'm doing these things, and look, I'm gonna [00:08:00] make it successful, and then I'm gonna be somebody again.
And, and it was just like I could see the cycle of me, trying to attach something to myself in order to feel of value. And this is where the question comes from is who are we without any of those things? And to see that you have value without the career, without the, the money, without the success, without the followers, without the things, and to really discover who you are without those things.
Because once I realized I was doing that with the art and I saw myself trying to turn it into a business and make it something that I, I am, I, I instantly stopped 'cause I was like, "Okay, wait, this is too much." You know? And it's funny because in that time I did start doing the, the career that I have now, which is the website development, but I did that just because I knew how to do it, and I knew I was, you know, decent at it, and I did have some people who were coming to me asking me if I would do this work for them.
And it just kind of [00:09:00] happened organically, and I just started doing it, and I didn't... To this day, I don't... I'm not a... Like, I'm not attached to it. It's not like, oh my gosh, I am the... You know, I am a Kajabi expert, which is a title that they give you when you, submit your work and they say, "Yes, you are worthy of this title."
But I don't... I'm not trying to be the best Kajabi expert out there. I'm not trying to build a platform on social media saying, like, "Oh, look at me, I have a million websites a year, and I'm the best designer." And like, I've, I can see myself softening and not needing that so much anymore,
I've noticed even in my own world where I'm like, "Okay, who am I without any of that stuff? How do I bring value to my relationships, to my friendships, to my children, to my life without being something that's external for me? Without, without any of that stuff, by just being me?"
By just recognizing my own value and my own, quirks and my own way of doing things and my own, personality and my [00:10:00] own things. How can we start to see that in ourselves as our currency and not our external, not the external things that we do or have? And that's really the question right there, is how can you start focusing more on who you are as a person and your personality traits and the things that make you you without You know, adding in, oh, but I'm also this, and this is the work that I do, and these are the amount of followers I have, and this is the amount of money I have, and this is all the, these things.
It's like, 'cause all of that stuff could literally go away tomorrow. We don't know, you know, what's gonna happen in our lives. And even, as moms, as mothers, as parents, but I, I say moms specifically 'cause I think moms do this more, maybe so, more so than men, but maybe that's just what I see in my algorithm.
But it's like the job of being a mother is like, becomes, an identity for women. It's like this is my role. I'm a mom. This is who I am. And I get that. As a [00:11:00] mother, I totally get that. But someday your kids grow up and move out, and they're not there anymore, and you're left with nobody to take care of.
You know, yes, at the end of the day, we always take care of our kids, but they're old enough that they're taking care of themselves. They're no longer needing you every hour of the day for something, and all of a sudden you're left with yourself, and you've gotta figure out who you are and what you, what you want and, how you function in this world without your children.
That is a reality. And, and it happens, you know, in all different areas of life, whether you're moms, I know people who have lost spouses who have just like, you know, had to figure out who they are without their spouse, not that we want that to happen, and that's not the point of this exercise.
It's, it's about realizing who you are at your core and being happy without anything so that if and when circumstances in your life change, like AI takes your job or something, you know, changes, your kids move out or whatever, yeah, even though that's gonna suck and, and it... You're [00:12:00] gonna feel the feels, you can get through it because you know you bring value to your world, to the people in your life because of who you are, not because of what you do or what you have.
And I think that, for me right now, I'm not there 100%, I'm not gonna make any claims, but I definitely feel like I have moved past the desire to want to, try and be something big in order to feel like I'm of value. I just, I don't care anymore.
I just wanna do what I wanna do and, like what I'm doing, but also I, I'm okay if I don't do it. I'm okay if I switch to something else. I'm okay if it works. I'm okay if it doesn't work. I'll figure it out, and I think that's the reason why we need to really- let go of our desire to say that we are something, like I am a lawyer, or I am a doctor, or I am an artist, or I am a whatever.
Those are things [00:13:00] that we do, but who you are at your core is like, I'm someone who loves nature. I'm someone who loves to hang out with my friends and have a good laugh. I'm someone who's kind. I'm someone who, loves, you know, whatever. It, it's about who you are and your, and your personality more so than what you do and what you're good at and all of those things.
And we all have different skill sets, and we can definitely, be those things. If you're musically talented, that's amazing. That's part of who you are. Go for it. But you, at the end of the day, are still you. You're not a musician. You are you, who is really good at playing music, I think that's part of it.
It's like not placing all of your value into what you do. It's like you do those things and you're good at them, but it doesn't make you who you are because you just don't know. Like, one day you might not be able to play music anymore, and are you still of value when you can't play music? Yes. But you have to allow yourself to see that value even without the things that you [00:14:00] think make you, special or make you valuable to others.
And I do wanna say that I'm not against having goals. I'm not against, wanting more for your life or your career, any of that kind of stuff. I'm just saying you can have those things, but don't make those things your value, or don't, don't place all of your value in the having of those things or in the achieving of those things.
You are valuable as you are, whether you get those things or you don't.
And that's really, what I'm trying to get at here,
I don't know why it takes us so long to figure this shit out, why is it when I'm 50 I'm finally seeing the value in who I am as a person versus, , feeling like I need to be somebody or do something special or have certain things in order to be of value?
Like, that's bullshit, and we need to let go of all of that thinking. The interesting thing is, is like with this podcast, for instance. This podcast is supposed to just be [00:15:00] about me and who I am and what I think and my personal thoughts and opinions, and I keep blocking myself from doing this podcast because I feel like what I have to say is not interesting.
What I have to say doesn't matter. No one cares. But that's the whole point of this podcast, is this is just my thoughts and opinions. You can care or don't care. It doesn't matter. This is who I am, and I'm here to share it for those who want it, and for those who don't, I don't care. But I keep blocking myself because I keep thinking this needs to be something.
It needs to have X amount of downloads and, you know, all these things, and that's not what this is for. This is an outlet for me to just share my thoughts and feelings and hope that you like them too, but if you don't, that's okay. And it's just this is who I am, i'm not anything special. I'm just here to, to share and hope that it helps something, right?
But the whole point is to bring myself to the table. The people doing anything of real success in their lives, the people who are doing, things that make them happy and bring them joy are... They're [00:16:00] doing things that they truly believe in. They're doing things that are things that they just, they just really love, you know, 'cause it's part of who they are at their core, and that's what makes it successful.
It doesn't need to be a certain title. It doesn't need to be a certain value. It doesn't need to be a certain anything. If you love what you're doing and it makes you happy and you can sustain a lifestyle with it however you do that, that's amazing. Good for you. Keep going. Like, that's what makes you successful.
Has to- nothing to do with anything else.
I remember this quote, it was in a book, and I can't remember the book off the top of my head, and I can't even remember the person. It was Kyle Cease, actually, Kyle Cease who said this. And it was one of those quotes that just stuck with me, the quote was, "If you can be sitting on a park bench with absolutely nothing, looking out at the sunset, and feeling happy and grateful, to be alive, like, that's truly winning." And that really stuck with me. And as somebody who has been through some, , [00:17:00] major life transitions, losing a home, almost bankrupt, you know, having to, basically start over financially, and not have the things that we wanted to have, and realizing that it's, those things are nice to have, and the titles, the money, the things are nice to have.
Don't get me wrong, choice is always great, and we are definitely, people who are always striving for, the best life we can possibly have. But I can also be happy without them, and I think , that is the key ... not only can I be happy without them, I'm still valuable without them.
I still bring stuff to the table, even if I don't have the things, right? And I think that is not always easy for people to do, because we have been conditioned that status and things like that are what make people valuable.
And that's truly the point of this message, is that
You don't need anything external from, from who you are at your core to bring value to a [00:18:00] situation, to a, a relationship, to, to the world. You just need to be you, and sometimes that's freaking the hardest thing we can do. Like it's, it literally paralyzes me with this podcast sometimes, is showing up and just being me, and that is stupid
it's like, why? Why? So I'm gonna g- really work on this. This is a piece that I have been working on, is really allowing myself to be me in all the areas of my life without worrying about how other people perceive it because I can't control how others are gonna perceive me and my value and what I bring to the table.
And that's really the main message here. And I don't know why it takes us so long to get to a place where we, and I hear this a lot with women in their 50s and 60s and so on. It's like you go through this menopause transition, you come out the other side not giving a fuck what anyone thinks, and you don't need as much in your life [00:19:00] to feel happy, to feel satisfied, to feel good.
And I am starting to really see that personally. I just hate that it takes us so long to figure this stuff out. I don't know, but here we are. Anyways, guys, that's it for me. We'll talk to you soon.
Bye for now.
